Poor Prior Planning = ….

I’ve made some tough decisions lately. I’ve sat down with myself and gone over my finances. My 401k. My checking account. My credit cards. My savings account(which really should reside in the same novelty section as rubber chickens and whoopie cushions as it’s a practical joke). I’ve taken all of this information and rigorously run this through the ol’ noodle(taps head). And I’ve come to a sober realization of what I need to do to realize my financial goals.

I need to make two million dollars.

You see, I’ve decided that I want to buy a townhouse in Manhattan. Don’t worry, I’ve already found one. It’s in Chelsea. And it’s a carriage house one. Which means, it’s quieter. And it’s got a garage. It’s four floors. It was built in 1905. There’s a ‘large mature garden with unusual trees and perennials’. There’s a finished basement with professional screening room to show those Channel 102 dailies. And an 800 bottle wine storage. (You people know me, what a wine enthusiaast I am!) I mean, it’s just perfect. It’s on 22nd St, near 7th Ave. Here’s the only rub:

It’s five million dollars.

But you know what? I’m a reasonable man. I realize this is Manhattan and things are at a premium, especially real estate. That’s what I’ve realized I need to make two million dollars. So I’ve devised a sound business plan to accomplish the goal of buying this townhouse. Basically I figured, I make a million dollars and I could invest that in some sort of account and just live off of the interest. It’s fairly easy to find things like this at 4.5% So right away, that’s like $45K in interest. Now, I need to have 20% down to get the townhouse though. So that’s one million dollars. So that’s the second million. Okay, But my mortgage for a 30 year jobber with taxes and everything then comes to like $24K a month. So how do I float that?

I’m glad you asked. You see, there’s a total of five bedrooms in the whole place. So let’s say I rent out four of those to my friends. That means I have to find four of my friends who want to live in an awesome townhouse for… $4800 a month. Hmmm…. maybe I need a third million. Wait, you know what? Why am I half-assing this. Why not just make a full five million?

Actually, I’m working at this the wrong way. Let’s do it like a word problem. What amount of money should I make so that I can buy this townhouse, still make a good amount of money during the year, plus afford the mortgage, and have the amount i need to rent out to my friends be a reasonable amount for them to live there.

I’ve decided to make this even easier. If I have at least six million dollars, then I can buy the place outright. Pay the like $14,000 in yearly taxes on the place, and then I can rent out the place to my friends on the other floors if I want and I can set the rent at something totally reasonable.

Okay, so it’s settled. I’m writing myself a check right now for six million dollars. You know what? I’m going to just round up. So I’m writing myself a check for ten million dollars today on February 3, 2006. Like Jim Carrey did before he was famous. I’ll post date it too. I’ll give myself five years. So February 2011. That’s when I make my move and buy this townhouse.

If you guys want in on the townhouse, I’m accepting applications for roomies.