Meter

I watch ESPN. And almost everyday, I watch Pardon the Interruption(PTI) with my hometown boys Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser. They always have the same announcer on PTI. It’s some girl. And I HATE the way she reads the ads. It’s always the same. And it bugs the crap out of me. She’s like Don Pardo but not charming. Someone should tell her to vary it up a bit. Doesn’t she have a mid-year review like the rest of us?
——
Last night, I was talking about with someone about mixes. You know, mix tapes and the like. And for whatever reason, every since I got a computer at home, I stopped making them. Even though it’s easier than ever to make them. And just now I was trying to think of the last time I make an MO tape. If you’re a guy, you know that means a ‘make out tape’. I think it might have been h.s. maybe college. Here is my guess for what were surely the top 10 entries in” MO tapes. In no particular order…

–“In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. This is every girl’s favorite song. It’s not even that great a song. This is when you know you are making a MO tape. You start putting songs on you don’t even like.

–“Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton. I believe this is the ultimate slow song. And it’s the perfect compromise song for guys and girls. It’s not too girlie because it’s EC. But it’s definitely a charming song for girls too. Sidenote: He writes this song but when he wanted to win George Harrison’s wife, he writes “Layla”? Great song. But like until the piano part doesn’t seem like a love song to me. Still, what do I know? She chose Eric instead of George(and dissed his song “Something In The Way She Moves”)

–“Somebody” by Depeche Mode. If you were a girl who spent any time in the 80’s, you loved this song. And by the way, for guys, if you made a list of what you wanted in a girl, the things he talks about? You could do worse. I’m about 90% certain somebody used these for their wedding vows too. “I want somebody to love me/And give me support/And in return/They’ll get my support.” It sounds awful just to read it like that, right? But once you add brooding piano with massive amounts of reverb and delay it becomes unstoppable.

–“Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin. Ok, this one’s a little bit more primal. But you can’t have a MO tape that’s ALL slow jams.

–“Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye. This is pretty obvious right? This is basically the most Andrew Marvel of all carpe diem love songs anywhere. I love how he tries to get this lady in bed with lyrics like, “We’re all sensitive people/with so much to give”. True that, Marvin.

–“Unchained Melody” by the Righteous Brothers. There’s a problem though. After GHOST, it wasn’t as cool to have this song in there. It felt like you were trying to relive the movie. And who has the pottery equipment around to do that?

–“Just My Imagination” by the Temptations. This is clearly the R&B portion of the tape, but you know what? You don’t mess with something that works.

–“More Than Words” by Extreme. This is a tricky one. It means you had to go out and buy Extreme’s album which you don’t want to have. And if you buy the single, well, that makes you a little guilty. And it’s a cheesy song. But you know what? There’s good cheese and there’s bad cheese. And this is GOOD cheese. If you know how to play this on guitar and can sing that high? You don’t need to be making this tape, you’re making out right now.

–“The Flame” by Cheap Trick. Cheap Trick is a weird band. They spanned a pretty long period of time from “Surrender” to this tune which was probably in 1986. If it seems like I have a lot of songs from the 80’s on here, well this is when I did most of my thinking about MO tapes, so it stands to reason. But come on-with lyrics like “I’m energy fire, I’m in way too deep over yoooooooooouuu!” I don’t need to make excuses. The song speaks for itself. Cheap Trick? Maybe. But effective.

–“Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” by the Platters. This is where you prove you’re classy. An oldie but goodie! Plus show me a person who doesn’t love the shawop-shu-wop part of this song and I’ll show you a person who hates themself.

–“Crazy Love” by Van the Man. Repeat this and tattoo in under your eyeballs young Lotharios—no MO tape is complete without Van. It’s basically impossible. But there’s a caveat and this is important. Just like it’s sometimes difficult to go and see a comedy and try and be as funny afterwards, it’s vitally important you do not try to sing with Van. You can’t do it. He’s the most soulful white man alive AND dead. You’re just going to sound silly and you will be found wanting. So let the man do his work, and you do yours, cowboy.

Is this list complete? By no means. Still, I feel it’s representative. And it makes me sad. Because I think if you made one now, it would come off as creepy. Still! It’s an art. A dying art. The Make-Out Tape.