Woolly Bully

I do a lot of my best thinking in the bathroom. This is why I am surprised how girls make such a quick exit. Guys, we take our time. Anyway. For some reason, I started thinking about bullies the other day. (No, I was not being beat up in the bathroom.) And I wondered, what happens when bullies grow up? There are many things to be considered here. One is of course that sociological aspect of—do they abandon their bullying ways or do they continue them? But of more interest to me is—do they cop up to their being a bully as a child?

From time to time, I’ll get into a conversation with people about whether or not they’ve ever been in a fight. Because I find it interesting to hear people’s experiences with that. But I’ve never run into someone who was a self-admitted bully as a kid. Like the classic stealing the lunch money kind of punk. What happens to them?

I’m thinking about this guy who I grew up with—he had a great name too. Because part of me doesn’t want to get beaten up by him googling his name. Let’s just say his name rhymes with Schmyan Schmuner. But there’s two B-R’s in there. Instead of “Schm”. Figure it out? Ok, good. Anyway, I think that’s a great name for a bully because it seems like there’s violence contained in that last name.

Schmyan went from being feared by everyone to being loved by the ladies. In 7th grade, he dated an 8th grader. He got her pregnant too. Apparently, even his sperm was overly aggressive. In high school, he was voted Mr. Spartan. Which is like the equivalent of All-World in our school. You have the homecoming queen and then Mr. Spartan. There’s a homecoming king too but Mr. Spartan is the more highly bestowed honor.

Saw him at our h.s. reunion and he was really nice. Totally mellowed out now. Doesn’t seem like he beats people up anymore. But I wonder if someone asked him, would he mention it? Maybe he has some really good beating kids up stories. Most of the time you hear the opposite. Times that people got the crap beat out of them. So if you were a bully, hey speak up! Let us hear your story. I’d like to know if you acknowledge your sordid past. Also, bullies beware—there’s a law that some states are trying to pass that make bullying an actual crime.