Candies No One Should Eat

1) Those chalky mini-hearts that have crap printed on them for Valentine’s Day. Let’s be honest, they suck, right? The best part is the printing. After that, it’s all downhill.

2) Speaking of chalky “treat”s, what about Necco wafers? Who eats these? Why do they exist? Yet, they live on. Awful candy is like the cockroach, nobody likes them but they are indestructible.

3) Bit O’ Honey. Bit O’ crappy tasting candy that’s what this is. Also, you can draw a parallel that all crappy candy is still using packaging from 1958.

4) Mary Janes’. More evidence! Every once in awhile, I encounter someone who actually likes these last two and it baffles me. It’s a bit like someone hoarding the barf flavored jelly beans in Bertie Botts Every Flavored Beans.

5) Now ‘n Later’s. These are actually good. But they aren’t worth it. It takes approximately 15 minutes before it becomes soft enough to chew. And even then, it’s so sticky it’s likely to destroy any dental work you have. Why not go for a Starburst instead? Or better yet, the Jolly Rancher chew! This is a sublime candy.

6) Charleston Chew. Another circa 1958 craptastic candy! Every year, when my parents would inspect our candy at Halloween there would be the pile of possibly dangerous candies. And then there would also be the pile of candy no one would want. Bit O’ Honey, Mary Jane, and Charleston Chews lead the way.

7) Those Dots. Not the dots that are like chewy and called Dots. No, I mean the ones that were in rows on paper. Long rolls of paper. First off, the candy wasn’t that good. Second, you had to wrestle with the paper and you could never get the candy cleanly separated from the paper so you always had to eat paper with your candy. Who are the candy scientists that came up with this delivery system? It blows!

8) Butterscotch. Again, these aren’t bad. But they’re not worth it. If you’re going to go for some candy, why not go for something that’s flavorful and actually makes you happy after you ate it. This is the plan D of candy. It’s something you settle for after your Dream Candy, Your Reach Candy, And Safe Candy Schools all rejected you. Then you turn to Butterscotch. Because butterscotch will always love you. But you will always be thinking about someone else.

9) Candy canes. Peppermint is like butterscotch, it’s a plain jane flavor that just isn’t really worth your while. That being said, I enjoy the fruity flavored canes. But the problem here is in the delivery system again. The cane while aesthetically pleasing is an awkward way to eat something. First off, once you start sucking on this your saliva starts to dribble down the cane to your fingers and the wrapper. Soon there’s a little river of peppermint jizz that starts to coagulate. And just like normal jizz, it’s sticky folks! The only thing that is slightly pleasing is trying to suck on the cane long enough to hone it to a razor sharp point. And then go and poke someone with it. For funsies. But is that really fun? It’s not. But that’s what you do when confronted with a boring set of circumstances. You make your own fun.

10) Almond Joys/Mounds. Number 10 is a tie. And I fully admit the reason that I don’t truck with these guys is a singular one. Coconut. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. The only time I feel like a coconut is on the ambrosia known here on Earth as Samoas(there’s some p.c. name for them but they will always be Samoas to me.) I always cringe in It’s A Wonderful Life! when George Bailey puts extra coconut shavings on the ice cream for his gal. Giant Mr. Yuck Face from this guy.

What candies do you find repulsive?