The Lazy River

We went white water rafting on Saturday. First time I’ve been since I was like 13 years old and the Shelkey twins and father braved the mighty Youghigheny in Western PA. I bought a t-shrit then that read, “I wet my pants on the Yough”. (This is a good t-shirt when you are 13.)

This time, it was fitting, I returned to Pennsylania. But not so far west this time. This time, our bounty was the Lehigh River, in the Poconos. Took about two hours to drive there(and I tried out Zipcar for the first time)(whither the glorious satellite radio I had experienced with Zipcar as a passenger before?). Not too shabby.

When you go on one of these things, it’s like any sort of tour. You have to be a little worried of who’s going to be in your crew. You’re stuck with strangers, and to a certain extent beholden to strangers as well. What you’re wondering is: Will there be any weirdos?

Inevitably, there will be. To this end, you really want to make sure that it’s just going to be YOUR crew on your raft. At least then, you can limit your interaction with the weirdos. In our group, on the way to the river, there was a guy who kept peppering the river guide with questions. It was as if he felt the trip needed a class clown. He would ask questions like, “What’s your policy on intentional drowning?” Hard-de-har-har.

Then, there’s the guides themselves. There was a whole manner of types to choose from. There was the brawny, tatooed stud type, nicknamed Johnny Knoxville by the ladies. There’s the smug older jokester dude. There’s the tomboy female guide. The scrappy youngster. And then there’s Gabe.

We didn’t quite know what to make of Gabe. Gabe is somewhere in his late 20’s early 30’s. He’s a husky fellow with a thick carpeting of body hair all around his upper body. First off, Gabe was quick to tell us this was his first time as a river guide. That’s not so comforting. He was also practicing his eskimo rolls as we travelled down the river. This is a life saving maneuver whereupon you right your kayak(or canoe) by rolling the craft back afloat. Gabe was unable to do this. I would like to remind you: Gabe was our guide.

Gabe also was a fount of knowledge about the local area. He waxed on and on about the Steelers and the coal and steel mines. And then he took to philosophizing about his life and life in general. He told us how he didn’t want to be dating anyone right now. That he was better off being single. He would probably just mess it up if he was dating someone. He was better off being out here on the river. “I like to say, it’s a place you go to in your dreams.” That’s something that you might read on a bumper sticker or see on a commercial. It might have seemed inspiring. But when Gabe said it, it came out kind of creepy. Because I don’t know about the others, but I wanted to be nowhere near Gabe’s dreams.